


Ultima Ratio

by banana_chocolate97



Category: the GazettE
Genre: Angst, Blind Character, Crying, Despair, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hopeful Ending, Love Confessions, M/M, Or maybe not so unrequited, Pining, Unrequited Love, a little kitschy maybe, figuratively blind I mean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-05
Updated: 2019-04-05
Packaged: 2019-11-28 01:10:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18201455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/banana_chocolate97/pseuds/banana_chocolate97
Summary: Kai has gone down many roads to make his bandmateseebut none of them seem to have been direct enough; until now.





	Ultima Ratio

**Author's Note:**

> A farewell gift to my dear friend Jenny, so that she has something to read while on the plane on the way into a whole new part of her life. Wishing you well <3
> 
> For some reason, the song [The Name of Life](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ImPM5IDIYPs) really got me through the angsty parts and [The Merry-Go-Round of Life](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UwxatzcYf9Q) was sort of the soundtrack for the last third :) I hope you enjoy. <3

Kai had come to realize that fate itself was working against him. By this point in his never-ending spiral of suffering, it simply took a special kind of stupid for his bandmate to _not_ notice, and he really didn’t want to accuse Reita of that. The guy _wasn’t_ dumb. Sure, he was a huge ass nerd and always laughed a good five seconds _after_ the joke, but he wasn’t stupid. And Kai liked to think of himself as rather clever as well so, in conclusion, it had to be fate. It was either Reita couldn’t _take a hint_ or fucking fate was somehow, for some reason, catching every single one of them before they even reached his field of vision. Slowly but surely, Kai was running out of them.

* * *

Three days later.

“I’m going to slap him in the face.”

Uruha frowned at him through the cloud of smoke he exhaled, “Wow, threatening violence is new. What did he do this time?”

Kai huffed, tapping ashes of his cigarette, “Nothing. As usual.”

The first response he got was a raised eyebrow. That and a certain kind of silence that he had learned to read over time. It wasn’t like Uruha had gotten tired of his endless rambles, Kai knew his friend just wanted the best for him. But Uruha had always preferred the more direct way of approaching things and Kai really didn’t like the prospect of that.

“Don’t even say it.”

Uruha’s other eyebrow lifted and he held both hands up in defense, smoke ascending into the bright blue winter sky.

“I’m not saying anything.”

“Yes, you are.”

“Okay know-it-all, if you know what I’m saying then you _also_ know I’m damn right. How much longer do you want to keep going like this?”

“I-  ”

Kai broke off, jaw tense as he gritted his teeth. Deep down he knew Uruha was right. He couldn’t go on like this for another year. He couldn’t go on acting like he didn’t want time to stand still every time they hugged, or pretending like his heart didn’t flutter every time he heard his laugh or Reita so much as smiled his way. That stupid handsome laugh had gotten him into this misery to begin with. Sometimes Kai just wanted to blast it off his face if it meant the pain in his chest would stop.

“For real, though.”

The nervous bobbing of his foot came to an abrupt halt when Uruha spoke again.

“If you don’t tell him, you’ll never find out if he feels the same. Maybe he wants to slap you in the face too sometimes.”

“Uruha, you’re being ridiculous.”

This conversation really wasn’t going anywhere. Uruha was just repeating the same things he had been saying the past month or two, and it went in one ear and out the other. The mere notion of having his feelings reciprocated was about as unrealistic as Aoi ever loving something or someone more than his guitars. It was absurd.

Uruha scoffed and just by the sound of it Kai could tell he was getting aggravated.

“Why am I being ridiculous? You’ve never even wasted a single thought on the good things that might come out of confessing. No wonder you cry yourself to sleep.”

Yes, aggravated and way too direct. Kai glared up at him from where he was sitting on the concrete stairs but Uruha withstood it effortlessly. The guy was too damn confident.

“I’ve been as obvious as I could be, okay? If he returned even the slightest bit of my feelings, he would’ve long noticed and told me.”

“Yeah, because telling someone about your feelings clearly is so very easy, right?”

Kai stared for a moment, any possible counterattack withering away on his tongue. Right, here he was again, playing himself into a corner. A precarious situation that he knew he deserved to be in because as much as he wanted to get out of it, his brain was too aware that it was still a whole lot easier to keep throwing hints than risking rejection. Kai took a deep breath. Though even if he had known what to respond to Uruha, he didn’t get to it. The door behind them opened and Aoi popped his head outside.

“Are you guys done?” he asked, “Ruki wants to go through the setlist one more time.”

Uruha nodded, blowing out smoke before throwing his cigarette to the ground and grinding it with his heel. “We’re coming,” he said.

Kai watched them smile at each other, then heaved himself up to his feet as well, following them inside. Over the past weeks, rehearsals and meetings had turned into something he was dreading and he hated that. It just wasn’t like him, he was a leader, it wasn’t like him to be as impassive or unconcentrated as he was. And his bandmates noticed. When he missed a beat or two because his eyes had gotten caught on Reita’s fingers moving along his bass, Ruki would throw him a confused look. When he spaced out during meetings because all he saw on the sheet of paper before him was Reita in his leather jacket, it took Aoi kicking his leg beneath the table to get him to refocus. Kai hated it. But he couldn’t stop it either.

* * *

“Hey Uru, can I ask you something?”

“Go ahead.” 

“Let’s suppose you’ve been friends with someone for a long time, and then you realized you’ve started liking them as… more than a friend, would you tell them?”

Uruha silenced his guitar. He gazed up and around the room. It only took him a second to read between the lines. Ruki and Aoi were at the opposite end of the room; heads bent over a half-done song and out of hearing range. Kai was nowhere to be seen. Taking in a short breath, he leaned back against the couch and turned to examine his friend. Reita was twisting and turning one of his picks between his fingers as he waited, his countenance uncharastically serious. Uruha cursed inwardly. What was he supposed to do? Clarify the situation? Because it was _pretty_ clear to him as of right now. But what if it wasn’t Kai Reita was referring to?

“Do I know the someone?” he asked cautiously but Reita wasn’t having it. He gave Uruha a pointed look.

“I asked first.”

Uruha’s mouth opened to protest, but no words came out. Reita didn’t know that Kai had let him in on his feelings and it was best to leave it at that. He didn’t want to get too involved in business that essentially wasn’t his own. Although that didn’t mean he _couldn’t_ lead them into the right direction at least, right?

“Well,” he began, putting his guitar aside for now, “I think I would. I’m not the type of person who can hold such things in for long.”

“What if they don’t reciprocate your feelings, though? Wouldn’t it be awkward?”

It took all of Uruha’s might not to cringe. He wanted to facepalm both himself _and_ the two of them _so bad._ How could they feel the exact same, have the exact same worries and still not get it together?

Propping his arms on this thighs, Uruha leaned forward and Reita looked over at him, worrying his bottom lip with his teeth.

“I mean, of course it would. But what if he does feel the same? He just might, you know. You won’t find out until you tell him.”

Freeing his lip, Reita reclined his head.

“Hm,” he made, staring at the ceiling thoughtfully. Uruha couldn’t tell what that was supposed to mean. But whether Reita was getting the hint or not, he had no more time to dwell on it. At the same time as Aoi and Ruki came back from their discussing, the door behind them opened and Kai entered, five steaming boxes of fried noodles in his arms. Bless him for always taking it on himself to provide them with food during long days like these. Uruha cleared his throat. In this very moment he could see the sword of Damocles materialising above their heads.

“Hey, what you are you sulking over?” Aoi asked right on cue as he flopped down next to Reita.

“Nothing,” he answered quick like a shot but Ruki being Ruki… Uruha could do nothing but watch the drama unfold.

“He needs relationship advice,” he whispered right next to Aoi’s ear who frowned.

“And he goes to Uruha for that?”

“Hey!”

“I do not!” Reita protested and Uruha could _see_ his face going bright red, but Ruki was unstoppable once he started. Snatching one of the boxes Kai had put down on the table before him, the vocalist flopped down in the armchair opposite the couch.

“Rei-chan is in _loooove_ ,” he sang theatrically while describing a semicircle with chopsticks in one hand and noodles in the other, “with some big, mysterious stranger whose name I haven’t worked out of him yet.”  
  
Uruha _wanted_ to say something at this point, something like it being mean to tease someone over something like this, but it was Reita himself who beat him to it. And in the process he shot himself in the foot very badly.

“I’m not in love!” he exclaimed with way too much determination, “I’m not in love, okay? Shut up. I don’t need advice in anything.”

Shut up they did, but the damage was done. Ruki was pursing his lips to himself in a _Yeah sure_ kind of way, Reita was hiding in his box of noodles and Aoi looked like he most definitely didn’t want to be here. And then they all collectively jump-scared when the studio door banged close. Turning to look over his shoulder, Reita’s expression dropped into a sullen face and Uruha felt an immense urge to both pat his head _and_ slap him. Maybe he could sort of understand Kai now in that regard.

“What is up with him today? He’s been pretty moody for quite some time now,” Aoi spoke up from the other end of the couch, and Uruha uttered a heavy sigh.

“You guys,” he said, roughing a palm over his face, “are the biggest idiots I’ve ever seen walk this planet,” he got up and pointed his finger straight at Reita, “ _especially_ you.”

He didn’t see it anymore, but after Uruha had run off to catch up with Kai (sobbing), Ruki narrowed his eyes at Reita and soon enough, because Reita stubbornly refused to answer the unasked question, his lips morphed into an O.

* * *

That night, it started pouring. Kai was sitting on his couch at home, wrapped up in an unnecessary amount of blankets as he tried to type up a blog post for their fans. So far, ten minutes of drumming his fingers atop the keyboard had resulted in nothing but his sighs getting heavier. He wished he could sum up their worklife of the past months but he barely even remembered half of what they had talked about today.

_Dear fans,_

_I’m in love with Reita but Reita isn’t in love with anyone. I’m sad. Bye Bye._

Kai groaned. Yeah no, this wasn’t going to work. His head lolled back and he focused on the little black spot on his ceiling where he’d squished a spider with a broomstick last week. Somehow he needed to get his mind to clear. A shower was out of the question. It wasn’t like his neighbors cared about the time but Kai _had_ just showered an hour ago. It’d done nothing to help.

Maybe a walk could make do if the rain wasn’t too bad, he thought and began to peel himself out of his blankets (it was three of them). Half-way over to the window though, the buzzing of his doorbell stopped him in his tracks. Kai turned, glancing at the clock on the wall. It was way past 10 PM… Who the hell visited him this late? There was only a limited amount of people who knew where he lived anyway.

Kai chose to ignore it. But one step forward later and the bell buzzed again. This wasn’t… Kai huffed and he bridged the remaining distance to the window, not to check the rain like initially planned but to check the parking lot instead, which was in very convenient view from his living room. And what he saw he didn’t like.

“Kai?”

Oh no, oh no, oh no. Tearing his eyes off the motorcycle down there, Kai planted them against his front door. The bell rung again.

“Kai, I know you’re home!”

He groaned inwardly, fully aware that it was going to start to look suspicious if he didn’t open. Reita was going to think something had happened and he was definitely the type of guy to kick doors in in cases of imminent danger. Kai groaned again, audibly this time. He didn’t have an excuse not to open the door to his friend in the first place.

“I’m coming!” he called out in response then and quickly fluffed up his hair in the mirror in the hallway before reaching for the door knob. I can do this, he told himself, despite the myriad of questions already shooting through his mind like high-speed trains.

The moment he pulled the door open however, the trains came to a stop. And not only did they stop, the jammed the breaks, toppled all over each other and exploded into a ball of fire. Kai’s brain was screaming.

_Oh no._

_He’s wearing the leather jacket,_ **_oh no._ **

_And his hair is a little damp and messed up and it’s hanging into his eyes,_ **_oh noooo._ **

“Hi,” Reita said and Kai had to gather his entire willpower to get his brain cells to work again. Perhaps profuse blinking would do the job.

“Hi.”

“Can I come in?”

Nodding wordlessly, Kai stepped aside to let Reita pass.

_Oh my God, he smells so good._

This was bad. He wasn’t functioning properly and Reita looking so dashingly handsome was _not_ helping, no, this wasn’t good _at all._

“Sorry for barging in so late but there’s something I wanted to talk to you about,” Reita explained, toeing off his shoes like it _didn’t_ give off the most domestic vibes and like it _didn’t_ make Kai flail like a fish out of water.

“There’s a guy I really like.”

Reita stared. And so did Kai for approximately a second until he realized he’d said it out loud. His entire face went up in flames and his mouth dropped open without words coming out at first.

“I mean- I- “ he stammered, cleared his throat, scratched his head. There was no way he could read anything from the expression on Reita’s face and all of a sudden Kai’s nervousness was skyrocketing.

“I mean, that’s… that’s what you wanted to know, right?” he said quickly, making his way past Reita, fleeing into the kitchen, “Why I haven’t been myself lately.”

He opened the fridge and stuck his head inside for the mere sake of cooling himself down. He was acting ridiculous and he knew, but to Reita it just looked like he was on the search for the obligatory beer. From behind him came a hum and Kai clenched his eyes shut. Still, it did nothing to help order his chaotic mind. He almost forgot taking out the damn bottle, too.

“I was just wondering, because you’ve been acting weird with me… if it was something I had done or said. I was getting worried,” Reita said and that mixture of honesty and concern in his voice sent a very real bolt of pain through Kai’s chest. _If only he knew…_

As he placed the beer down on the kitchen table, Kai made an attempt at a smile but he wasn’t so sure if Reita was buying it. He gave no attention to the beer bottle whatsoever though, only shifted on the chair he’d sat down on, and that meant something. His gaze was burning holes into Kai’s back instead.

“I didn’t consider the possibility of a boyfriend though,” he continued and almost sounded like he was about to chuckle, “Not that, you know, I think you couldn’t get one, I totally do, I mean I was just… Sometimes when I looked over at you or when we, you know, did the fist-bump thing, uh, you seemed like you were about to cry or something. Made me wonder if you were okay. Are you not happy with him?”

Kai, indeed, wanted to cry. This couldn’t be happening to him. It couldn’t. Oh, how much he wished he could be _happy with him._ But blurting it out wasn’t the best of ideas, as much as Kai was trying to accustom himself to the idea that it was in fact going to have to happen now. And Reita had already noticed the lack in reply, had noticed that Kai had had his back to him all this time, wordlessly staring into the sink. His frown was obvious in his voice.

“Kai? Are you okay?”

“I haven’t told him yet,” Kai said, gathering his courage before he turned around with a tight-lipped smile, “I … don’t know how.”

Reita’s frown didn’t disappear but it softened somehow, and he finally grabbed the beer off the table. Kai’s jaw tensed as he watched him. _God,_ he wanted to say it. He wanted to but fear was firmly grabbing at his chest and it didn’t let him. How obvious did he have to be?

“Oh,” Reita made eventually, nodding. He stared at the bottle and Kai stared at him.

“Have you tried asking him to a movie?”

Kai scoffed. Of course, why hadn’t he thought of that? Asking him to a movie! It was easy as that!

“Well,” he said after a short but deep bite to his lip. He had to do this _now_ or otherwise his bravery was going to leave him altogether.

“Do you want to go see a movie with me?”

Surprisingly enough, his voice even sounded somewhat stable which was more than he could say of his heart. When Reita laughed, it began to sway dangerously.

“Yeah exactly like that!” he chuckled and then took a sip of his beer. Kai was one hundred percent convinced Reita only meant well, that he wanted to sound encouraging, but it did the exact opposite. Kai closed his eyes and hung his head low. This was a disaster. He couldn’t do this any longer. Anger and despair and _words_ were boiling up inside him and their force was unstoppable, constricting his throat.

“Kai?” Reita asked again, “Hey, what- Did I say something wrong?”

Reita placed his bottle back onto the table but it was only a faint clank in Kai’s ears. His eyes were beginning to burn and he shied away as soon as Reita had made a step towards him. And he could tell Reita was shocked by it, what with the way he froze immediately as Kai hurried past him, _away_ from him, as far as he could. Kai pressed his hand atop his mouth as he stumbled into the living room but as much as he tried, he couldn’t prevent the tears from falling. Footsteps resounded behind him.

“Kai, what… I’m sorry, I- ”

“Why are you like this?” Kai interrupted and twirled around. Reita’s eyes widened at the sight of his tears.

“Hey, I didn’t mean to… what…” he said and he looked so heartbreakingly perplex that it only hurt Kai even more but he was unable to hold it in. At long last, all of it came bursting out.

“Why are you _so_ blind? What else do I have to do for you get it? I’ve tried everything, Reita, I really have,” he sniffed, “but you just keep looking past it. How many more times do I have to blush like a stupid school girl every time you grab my hand on stage? How many more times are you going to give me this stupid, boyish grin of yours and _not see_ the way I look at you?”

Reita looked stunned by everything he heard and the expression on his face changed into something Kai couldn’t read. He opened his mouth to say something but Kai was way too wound up to stop now. Hastily, he wiped at the tears on his cheeks.

“And I told Uruha right away, that something had changed in the way I feel about you and he- ”

“ _Wait_ , you- ”

“He always encouraged me, especially the past months because he saw how much I was hurting. He kept trying to get me to tell you but I couldn’t-” Kai hiccuped, his voice sounded meek, “I mean, how could I when I’ve spent half my life with you, in this band. I couldn’t risk losing you. And that hurt even more and then Uruha got upset with me because I was being a coward and- ”

This time it wasn’t Reita who cut him short. Reita was just staring at him like he’d seen a ghost; no, it was his own need to breathe that chopped off Kai’s words and he sucked in a deep lungful of air. For a moment there were only Reita’s eyes on him and the sound of the pouring rain. Reita wasn’t saying anything which was exactly what Kai had expected. What was he supposed to say anyway? Kai had thought maybe finally getting it out would make him feel relief, but the feeling never set in. He gulped before he released his breath, giving a helpless shrug.

“And I guess this would be the moment where you kiss me to shut me up.”

His half-hearted joke remained hanging in the air between them, just like the silence did.

Any second now Reita would be shaking his head at him, telling him how sorry he was, would be putting his shoes back on, leaving him; like Kai had always been terrified he would. It was already playing in his mind’s eye like a movie scene.

Yet, none of that happened. After a while of being stared at, Kai began to fiddle with the sleeves of his pyjama. Then, Reita smiled. Reita smiled and he was walking up to him and _he smiled_ and Kai’s heart danced somersaults behind its ribcage. He had no idea _why_ he was smiling but he did know it was as beautiful as ever. When Reita stopped right before him, Kai had to recline his head a little to look up at him. What was he… ?

“Keep talking then,” Reita whispered, and Kai was baffled. He didn’t understand. Keep talking? His eyebrows knit together.

“Wh-What?” he muttered dumbly. But Reita only chuckled and there was such warmth in his deep brown eyes, Kai could already feel himself drowning. Was he even still breathing?

When Reita’s palm settled against his cheek, it most definitely felt like he wasn’t. 

Kai knew his eyes were most likely as wide as saucers and his mouth had to stand open but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Reita was so close all of a sudden. He was right there and the touch of calloused thumb brushing away the remnants of his tears felt way too real and electrifying to be a dream. Kai begged it wasn’t a dream.

“You need to be talking,” Reita smiled, “so I can kiss you and shut you up.”

No, he had to be dreaming. Because what Reita was implying, it was … it was too good to be true! Confusion and complete ecstasy were rushing through him at the same time as if his body couldn’t decide on what to feel first. It just reacted.

“Wait, but earlier on today, you said you- ”

And Reita shut him up. Tilting Kai’s chin further up, he dipped his head down and swept Kai off his feet in a single swoop. Kai was petrified like an icicle for the very short amount of time that it took for Reita to close the gap between them and his body heat to encompass him. Then, _then_ he was melting.

Kai’s eyelids fluttered before they fell close entirely. Reita’s lips were… not as much in need of chapstick as they always looked on photos, that much was for sure. 

No, they were soft and smooth and _so tender_ in the way they coaxed him into the kiss. After a stuttered breath had left him, Kai’s muscles eventually relaxed and his arms went up, all the way around Reita’s neck, pulling him impossibly closer. Reita’s lips curled into a smile against his and Kai couldn’t stop his own from doing the same. Soon enough Reita embraced him but Kai obviously didn’t oppose. Every sensation, like that strong body pressing against his and the way his mouth moved so expertly, it felt like sparks shooting up his spine and crawling across his shoulders and all the way down to his toes. They were setting his skin ablaze with all kinds of emotions but he couldn’t figure them out because his mind was just _too occupied with kissing._

And it was brain-meltingly deep, so deep in fact that Kai wondered if Reita was ever even going to stop. Beneath his palm, he could feel the bassist’s heart was racing just like his own, like it was trying to keep up with the passion and the underlying, but overwhelming need for air.

The latter won after a while. Way too short in Kai’s opinion, although his lungs were very grateful once they withdrew from one another. A moment of realization set in as they looked into each other’s eyes, heavy puffs of breath releasing into the tiny space between their mouths.  

“You’re such an idiot,” Kai panted, swallowing hard as his lips formed an incredulous smile, “you never said anything.”

Reita’s hands came forward to rest on Kai’s waist and his laugh was music to Kai’s ears.

“Neither did you. So you’re at least as much of an idiot as I am.”

“Well, I…”

Kai couldn’t finish. He had forgotten what he wanted to say. There was nothing left to say now anyway, was there? Reita was here, holding him in his arms, and he felt the same. The same! Kai shrugged. There was nothing to say, just to feel.

Reita smiled in understanding and pulled him in again. Kai slipped his arms into the warmth beneath his leather jacket (this _damn_ leather jacket) and he buried his face into the soft shirt Reita was wearing; all his worries and pains blown away by a single kiss atop his hair.

“It’s fine,” Reita whispered sweetly above him, “we can be idiots together now.”


End file.
